Excuse Me, Have You Seen My Clothes?

As I sit here at 11:30 p.m. contemplating going to bed for the night, I am reminded of one of my most frequently recurring dreams.  There are actually a few dreams that I find myself having over and over, so either I have something really heavy on my mind or I have a very limited imagination.  Or maybe my dream player is stuck.  Or maybe I should stop eating all those pickles....blasphemy I know.

In the dream, I find myself on the school bus, back in high school, or sitting in a classroom.  Sometimes I'm walking down the street or going out to dinner.  It will just be going about a normal routine.  Then I look down, and BOOM!

I'M NAKED!

Of course, I freak out and try to cover myself.  But this is the crazy part.  NO ONE NOTICES.

The next few parts of The Naked Dream usually include me running around and trying to find things to cover myself.  But they never stay there.  I find a shirt (usually a white button up -- go figure) and hastily put it on and pull it down to try my best to cover all my naughty parts.  Then I try to nonchalantly get to where I'm going so I can duck somewhere out of sight.  Suddenly, the shirt disappears.

AND STILL NO ONE NOTICES!

Yes, I've done the research on The Naked Dream.  It actually is a common dream experienced by a huge percentage of the population.  But that still doesn't keep me from freaking out in my dream every time I look down and realize all my Victoria Secret bits are out for everyone to see.

Dreams like The Naked Dream can symbolize that you are trying to hide something.  Or that you are insecure about something.  The part where no one notices can symbolize that your fears are unfounded.

I agree with that.  I do have a problem with being insecure.  I have horribly low self-esteem.  I agree I am trying to hide something in The Naked Dream -- besides trying to hide my buns and boobies from all the people around who aren't paying attention to them.  I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm so unsure about everything.

Come on, don't sit there in mid-scroll and tell me you've never had the naked dream.   Okay, maybe not, but have you ever been insecure or unsure about something?  Most of us have at least at some point.

*********

THINGS TO DO

1.  Find some boughs of holly and deck the halls with them.

2.  Give Rudolph some Benadryl because with that red nose he obviously has allergies.

3.  Teach the Little Drummer Boy a new cadence.  After all these years Dude could play for DCI with a little practice.

4.  Dream of a White Christmas (instead of a naked one).

5.  Do surveillance on Santa because he always be talkin bout his ho ho ho's.

Tis The Season

*Sung to Deck the Halls*

Tis the Season to run ragged, fa la la la la la la la la

Brains are fried and nerves are jagged, fa la la la la la la la la

Sales are everywhere for shopping, fa la la fa la la la la la

Christmas really has us hopping, fa la la la la la la la la

*******

I'm as guilty as the next person.  I get caught up in all the hullabaloo that is the Holiday Season just like everyone else.  The entire calender for the month of December is filled to the top of the blocks with things to be, places to do, and people to go.  Or is it people to be and things to go?  Or maybe places.....to people....with things?  Moving on....

A few days ago I was in a meeting and going over my calendar for the things I needed to get done before Christmas, and then it hit me.  I'm not in a meeting, and I'm actually talking to my desk lamp.  No wonder I didn't get interrupted as much as usual.  And here I thought things were going smoothly....

We get so caught up and running around and getting/making/stealing/re-gifting presents for the ones we love. Haven't we totally missed the point of Christmas?  I mean, baby Jesus didn't come into the world to save us from paying retail.  And during His ministry on Earth not once did Jesus say "Knock down people to buy three button Henley tees at Kohl's on black Friday because you can get two for the price of one."  Yep...missing the point.

The entire point of the whole thing is....

LOVE.

God loved us so much He sent His Son.  Jesus loved us so much He died for us.  Don't we need to spend this time remembering that?  And I don't mean love like the love we all have for our Apple products, even though that's some pretty intense love.  This is Amazing Love.  Selfless Love.  Pure, Unconditional.  If that iPhone breaks, we don't love it anymore.  God loves all of us, even if we're broken.

All joking aside, no matter what your personal preferences, remember why we celebrate our Holidays.  Here's a clue......it isn't to make the retail fat cats that much richer.

A Simple Eulogy

Oh water heater, dear water heater...I cannot express to you my grief at your passing.  I would gladly write you a poem, but I find myself unable to find words to rhyme with water heater.

You left us and you never said why.  You just poured out your gallons of tears upon our hearts and my son's bedroom carpet.  I never realized you loved video games so much that you would cry buckets over them.  It seems I really didn't know you at all.

You rusted away your life there on the far side of our attic, never once tentatively approaching us for help.  Why did you let it be too late, dear water heater?  Could we have saved you had we known the physical and mental deterioration you were going through?  Oh, if we had only known how far gone you really were.

We did truly love you and appreciate you, water heater.  You stood guard in the ceiling between bathrooms #2 and #3 like a mother fiercely guarding her children.  You took great pride in filling those pipes with steaming, hot bathing bliss for us for seven years.  Did you not realize how much we cared?  How we had that little rush of pleasure and thoughts of "ooh..heaven" when that cold water running through our hands while we were kneeling at the tub finally turned to warm, and then nice and hot?

I am so sorry, my faithful appliance.  Sorry we did not realize sooner the trouble you were in.  We didn't hear your mournful cry for help until it was too late.  Sorry you left without so much as saying goodbye.

********

Funeral Arrangements for Water Heater #3

Clean up of water followed by trash can placement to control dripping -- 10:00 p.m.

Attempt to drain #2 -- 10:30 p.m.

Cap off and attempt to drain....again.... -- 1:30 a.m.

Trip to Home Depot for parts -- 7 a.m.

Hopeful repair of most of the mess -- 9:30 a.m. until

Roadside final viewing immediately assuming the family can figure out how to get appliance out of ceiling

Confessions...

I decided a little over a week ago to blog about some recurring dreams I had had....because my dreams are crazy.  When I divulge these dirty secrets about my very active subconscious, there will be no doubt in the virtual world that I'm bonkers.

Since this particular blog is all about random fun and insanity, I say why not.  

In the spirit of why not, I want to share what happened to me this past week.  My son was in the hospital with his severe stomach complaints.  On Wednesday night, we got a scare.  His vitals started dropping lower than they should be.  With an Addisonian, these things have to be watched closely.  My hubs and I were already exhausted, having been in the ER in Mississippi all that Monday night and then first thing Tuesday morning being admitted to a hospital in Alabama.  

By this time, I was incoherent.  I was seeing double, and unless you are in a room with the Weasley twins, that's not a good thing.  My hubs told me to go lie down for a bit because he was wide awake and my son was going to need me later.  Feeling my way to the fold down bed, I laid down and cried myself to sleep for a quick nap.  

That's when things got weird.  

Worry can really do a number on your subconscious.  I started having these really vivid dreams.  It was not like the dreams I usually have.  I thought I was awake.  I was aware of everything going on in the room.  The nurse was coming in and out, and hubs was talking to her.  I could hear everything that was said.  I laid there for several minutes, thinking I just wasn't going to be able to go to sleep.  I decided to just get back up....

And that's when it happened.  

Something grabbed me.  It was so quick.  Before I could get up, something grabbed me by my feet and pulled me down the fold out bed.  I tried to grab the bed to keep myself from sliding off of it...except that I couldn't move.  My arms were pinned down.  I tried to scream but no sound came out.  I couldn't open my mouth.  It felt like I was being pulled down the edge of the bed by unseen hands like the girl was pulled down the stairs in Paranormal Activity 2.  

This went on for a couple of seconds.  

Thoughts were racing through my mind all of a sudden.  "Ghost?  This is a new hospital.  How can there be a ghost?  Wait, paranormal activity is kicked up with new construction......."  All this while I was trying to break away from the "thing" that was holding me down and dragging me off the bed.  Then, I did it... 

I opened my eyes.  

No jerking awake or moving at all....just my eyes opening and staring across the room where my husband and son were.  As my eyes opened, I could feel tingling all over.  Gradually, I regained my ability to move.  My heart rate slowed little by little, and I was back to normal.  

I hadn't been dragged down the bed at all.  It was all just a dream.  

From Wikipedia...

Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which people who are either falling asleep or awakening from sleep temporarily experience a sense of inability to move, similar to that which occurs when an arm or leg goes "to sleep", but not associated with numbness. More formally, it is a transition state between wakefulness and rest characterized by complete muscle atonia (muscle weakness). It is thought to be a result of disrupted REM sleep which is normally characterized by complete muscle atonia that prevents individuals from acting out their dreams. It can occur at sleep onset or upon awakening. Sleep paralysis has been linked to disorders such as narcolepsy, migraines, anxiety disorders.........

Just anxiety, you say?  It was just a night terror?  So, there isn't really some tortured soul trying to take me to the dark side and give me cookies?

Frankly, I would have rather just dreamed about the cookies.  

Things to do list

1.  Find out what a Skrillex is, and then ask him what he means by Bangarang.

2.  Have more facial expressions than Kristen Stewart.

3.  Decide to put a pink streak in my hair..and then chicken out.  

4.  Apologize for party rockin'.

5.  Learn a new language...I'm thinking elvish.  

Gimme an F! U! N! K!!

I'll get back to my lists in a day or two.  But right now...can I vent?

Why haven't I been posting my to do lists in the last little bit?  Because I haven't wanted to do anything.  Because I've been in a major FUNK.

And now you ask, what, pray tell, in the world is a funk? Well, a funk can mean different things to different people.  To me it is simply this...

F....feeling helpless and frustrated to the max
U....underappreciated by everyone
N....never catch a break
K....keep being a total failure

Okay, now you ask yourself..is this really true?  Of course not!  I'll be the first to admit that I overreact.

Now, pull up your lovely wingback chair here by the fire.  Here is a nice hot cup of tea and some delicious cookies served by none other than Henry Cavill himself who graciously offered to tend to us.  Wait, don't forget the dainty lace napkin!  Now, are we comfy?  Excellent.  Thank you, Henners...

.......

.......

Okay, I was distracted watching Mr. Cavill exit the room.  Now where was I?

Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows my youngest son has been ill for several years now.  I say this because for the longest it was all I talked about.  To anyone who would listen.  All the time.  I try not to talk about it as much anymore because, let's face it, everyone has their own problems.  Mine is not the only full plate around here.  But suffice it to say my plate has taken over my life.

Well, in essence, it has.

A few years ago, I had a career.  I worked all the time.  I was a workaholic.  I put my job before every other aspect of my life, sometimes at the expense of my family -- which was bad.  I don't know why I was so driven.  Maybe a fierce need to make someone proud of me?  It would take a whole lot of expensive therapy to know for sure, but I have a pretty good idea.

My son kept getting sicker over 2009 and 2010, and he finally was diagnosed with adrenal insufficiency in October of 2010.  In April of 2011, he collapsed at school and had to go homebound.  He has been totally homebound ever since.

When he went totally homebound, so did I.  I stepped down from my job and became a stay at home mom. I went from total workaholic to 100% caregiver.  Do I regret losing my career?  Heck no.  It is totally worth it.  My son comes first, always.  This is our life now, and I am thankful for it.  It has just been a little stressful lately because he has felt so bad.

Even with all the medication he takes (10 pills a day right now), he still has kept having these really bad stomach complaints.  He has had them the entire time,but they just seem to be getting worse.  We went to a new GI doctor all the way in Birmingham, Alabama, at UAB.  She is AWESOME.  We go back there next month for a three day stay in the children's hospital there for testing.  A healthy person can do this testing outpatient, but my son has to be monitored because of his adrenal insufficiency.

By the way, he's a trooper.  He handles all this like a champ.

Not like me.

Sometimes I get in my FUNK.

"It's my fault he's sick.  I obviously did something wrong to cause all this.  I'm not doing the right things to get him better.  Every time we take a step forward, we take two steps back.  And no one cares!!  No one cares!!  Why doesn't anyone care?!?!"

Pathetic, huh?

No wonder I went insane.  I try to make a habit out of staying positive, but then this FUNK comes back to drag me down.  The FUNK monster is an evil, nasty beastie who just wants to keep a black cloud over my head and do whatever he can to keep me from counting my blessings.  And we have lots of blessings!  They are everywhere we look.  Why can't I focus on that when the FUNK monster comes calling?  It's not like I see him coming and throw my arms out and start running to welcome him..... is it?  Do I welcome the FUNK monster?  

No.  I'm sick of the FUNK.

I'mma load my positivity gun with FUNK grade ammunition and blast that FUNK monster the next time he comes the FUNK around.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever wanted to be someone else just for a little while?  You know, just for kicks and giggles?  Sometimes I try to think about it.  If I were given the chance to be someone, fictional or not, who I would be?  It makes me think about that old show, Quantum Leap, where the guy would jump into someone's life for an episode and fix whatever problem they were going through.  There are so many possibilities.  

The best choice for me, I think, would be Angelina Jolie -- because we share the same nickname (Angie) AND we have the same birthday  (June 5).  And it sure wouldn't hurt to look like Angelina for a little while, you know, just for kicks and giggles.   

In the end, though, I would want to go back to being me fairly quickly.  I mean, who else can be me better than I can?  And really, who else can I trust to get all my to do list done?

Things to do list for today:

1.  Throw my hands in the air sometimes and say ayo.......so I can let go.  

2.   Solve mystery of the disappearing sock from the washing machine....get Sherlock Holmes on speed dial. 

3.  "Borrow" Starburst fruit chews from my son's bedroom...blame other son.  

4.  Find the Grand Canyon....in the mirror.....before I put moisturizer on said canyon.

5.  Do the hokey pokey and turn myself around...because that's what it's all about.  

Better late than never?

It's never too late to dust off your keyboard, crack your knuckles, bite off that aggravating cuticle that's been bugging you all day, and type up a  To Do List.

1.  Keep the wiener dog out of the cat food bowl...OR DIE TRYING.

2.  Find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop......so that the world can finally know.

3.  Get on a crowded elevator and speak only in Klingon.

4.  Find that little leprechaun and get after his Lucky Charms.

5.  Outswim Michael Phelps.  Remember to make payments on submarine used for outswimming Michael Phelps.

and just for fun......

6.    Search out whoever decided it would be awesome to put the Kardashians on television...and commit severe bodily harm to them.

Attitude is Everything

This morning, I gazed out over my lands with a sense of pride.  (I walked into the kitchen and was happy it was clean)  Surely no man has a kingdom as glorious as this!

After a calm and steadying breath, I mentally prepared myself for the fight ahead.  (I got caffeine) Keeping an eye out for any spies lurking in the shadows, (the dog) I then made my way carefully to the battlefield.  (I went to the office)

I quickly mount my faithful steed (chair) and grab my royal sword and shield (keyboard and mouse).  With my most terrifying war cry (yawn), I surge forward and prepare to attack my dark enemies lurking in the evil Kingdom of Cardiology!  (I start typing my heart doctor).    

Attitude is everything!

To Do List for today...

1.  Climb Mount Everest.  

2.  Name my stepladder "Mount Everest."  Remember to do that before I climb it.  

3.  Change my looks so I no longer resemble Granted -- because I'm tired of being (mis)taken for Granted. 

4.  Ponder the question..."is there a such thing as gluten-free gluten?"

5.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.  

Simple explanation.

If anyone reading this blog wonders why I all of a sudden decided to do these random, funny (or trying to be funny) posts, it's very simple, really.  When life gives you lemons, you make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Now, what can I get up to today?

Things to do 08/09/12

1.  Sneak into my oldest son's room and move a guitar one inch to the left.  Then be sure to have popcorn in hand when the explosion happens when he gets home.

2.  Email my husband with my number....so he can call me maybe.

3.  Polish Thor's armor.  If Thor is in it, even better.

4.  Find out if that weird noise in the house at night really is the 9th horcrux as I suspect.

5.  Give myself a paper cut and see if Jasper shows up.

To Do List for 08/07/12

1.  Get the Ring to Mordor.

2.  Get Darth Vader on Maury Povich and tell him he is NOT the father.

3.  Look at the pictures, pens, lamp, and speakers on my computer desk and say "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today....."

4. Write Primrose Everdeen on a piece of paper and get my son to read it so I can volunteer as tribute.  

5.  Take the scissors outside, lay them on the ground, and then close them -- so I can tell my husband I cut the grass today.

Finally...Some Direction

I made a list of random things to do today...

1.  Scare Jordan with my rendition of Little Orphan Annie's Tomorrow..loudly.  

2.  Stare into the mirror and then suddenly scream "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!"

3.  Paint my keyboard with clear nail polish because (1) it keeps my letters on the keys, and (2)  it's SPARKLY!

4.  Listen to a new pop song that DOES NOT have Pitbull in it..if I can find one.

5.  Do the Safety Dance.  Because we all know we like to dance the Safety Dance in secret.